then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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