Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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