1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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