i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
