does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
