Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
