She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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