Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
farters have to be the big spoon...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
