The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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