...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
