Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
