the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
