I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
