Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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