I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
