so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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