what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
