Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
