So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just high enough for therapy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
