I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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