Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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