Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
