You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
