Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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