So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My nipple is on Facebook.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
