Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
