Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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