Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
