Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Randomize
