What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He better not be in your backpack
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
