You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
