I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
