Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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