The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
