Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
