isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
