Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
