I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
