The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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