i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
