I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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