I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
