Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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