We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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