My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
