I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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