wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
