Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
