proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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