I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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