So drunk its hurt
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
