i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
