watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
