Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
