you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
